London 2012

An exciting new egalitarian twist has been announced by the IOC for the Olympics. They have decreed that they are eliminating all discriminatory medals - gold, silver and bronze - for all events in favor of participation ribbons. This way small nations like Djibouti, Mali, and Tuvalu will not feel out of place and will return home with appropriate self-esteem. As part of this change, all nations will be allowed to enter participants in all events they wish. As a result, preliminary heats in each involved event will triple the duration of the Olympic Games. As a result, the American presidential party conventions will be postponed until late September. Preliminary polls indicate American voters support this shortened official campaign season.